Nothing Important Happened Today

Yesterday was probably one of the best days of my life. For reals. Because yesterday was my BFF Chrispy's birthday, so as part of her gift, we went to CSI: The Experience at the Science Museum. As we were waiting for our turn to enter the exhibit, I remember hearing the oh-so-memorable "Who are you? Who who, who who?" playing from the inside of the room, perhaps from a movie or video clip. Chris and I simutaneously turned to eachother and squee'd. Besides actually solving a crime using technology from the show, and acually seeing the real technology used in crime labs across the nation, they had memorabelia from the show as well. They had an exact replica of Grissom's office, complete with my personal favorite, "Mrs. Piggy," a fetal pig in a jar.
They also had the models used in the show during the "Miniature Killer" storyarc.

After our fabulous adventure, we decided to quick stop at her house so she could open gifts and so I could get my early X-Mas gift. I say X-Mas because it has to do with X-Files which is very much cool. See, I already knew from last Tuesday that she had impossibly called in some favors to people she knew at Coborns, and had actually gotten the X-Files movie poster I had been mooning over ever since the beginning of the month. That didn't stop me, however, from jumping up and down and squee'ing hysterically when I actually unrolled it. For reals, omg, Mulder and Scully. X-Files. Oh my God, Chris, you are seriously the best ever. I'll leave you to blog about the funny Jeep-tripping we did, because I tried to type it and laughed to hard.
RAWR.

Agua Mala

I hate Kingdom Hearts.

Hate is perchance not a strong enough word. I detest Kingdom Hearts. I abhor it. I am physically sickened by it. I am running out of words on this online thesaurus.

I hate the crap story that's stupidly complicated to make people think it's good. I hate the boring, stale stock characters. I hate the way Final Fantasy and Disney are dragged in. I hate the way I'll be accused of "not liking Disney" and fanbrats will ignore everything else I say. I hate the utterly uninspiring combat. I hate the uninspiring platforming. I hate the character designs. I hate the way they gave Daffy and Goofy as a team. I hate Sora, so, very, very much.

Every element of the game was very well done, but one could say my poop is excreted in a perfect shape.

I'm sick of the devoted fanbrats that worship the game like a God. It's not a good game. It really isn't.

Left 4 Dead, however... now that is a good game.

Born Again

It's Sunday night, between nine and ten,
And I realize I can't remember since when
I've had this bizarre social disease;
I make people look tame who have OCD's.
I'd tell you my story, but it would take a while,
And right now, shh! it's time for 'X-Files'.

So for the next hour, I sit and I think,
"Are aliens here?" and "How bad do Morleys stink?"
And, "Too bad Krycek's a rat, because that man is fine!"
And, "Are the Lone Gunmen's lives as pathetic as mine?"
So, I think and crunch another sunflower seed.
It's 'X-Files' time. That's all that I need.

And I'll learn a lot, too, without effort Herculean,
Like not to stand in people's shadows and what color's cerulean,
And if I get plastic surgery, before I get the gas,
I'll double check that the surgeon won't get evil on my ass!
I'll learn a good arm's essential for a from-right-field throw.
It's 'X-Files' time. That's all that I know.

And I'll find new ways as well to express how I'm feeling.
When I'm bored, I'll toss pencils up into the ceiling.
I'll sing "Shaft" when in a state of discombobulation,
And hope my death won't involve auto-erotic asphyxiation.
I'll use the term "Bleep!" when I need to be blunt.
It's 'X-Files' time. That's all that I want.

And I'll wish for blue eyes and hair of vermilion,
So a handsome man will tell me I'm his one in five billion.
I'll avoid the show 'Friends' 'cause of that ditzy chick,
Because women named Phoebe make me very sick.
I'll wish death for Agent Fowley to rain down from above.
It's 'X-Files' time. That's all that I love.

The show's starting now; it's got my full attention.
Time for UFO's and unresolved sexual tension.
Time for skeptics and believers to watch and unite.
Time for conspiracies to be brought out into the light.
Time for pulses to pound and hearts to beat unsteady;
It's 'X-Files' time. So I'll shut the hell up already!

Paper Hearts

I am thankful for the X-Files.

Recently, an unaired kiss scene between Scully and Mulder was released onto the internet. Gasp. What's weird is that although I am a shipper and do support the matrimony of Mulder and Scully, this kiss was uncalled for. I much liked the bee sting and Scully listing off her symptoms from the sting. It has taught me the lesson that when stung by an extraterrestrial biological entity through a bee, I should list out what I'm feeling whilst I'm falling in and out of consciousness, rather than my last words.

Anywho, here is the scene that has been released after 10 years.



I must say that that is one of the longest held and wonkiest kisses I have ever seen. I LOVE IT. It's sooo much more passionate and beautiful than the final kiss in IWTB. But the cute thing is that he carries her, which is an 'aww' moment for me as well as 'zomg mulder and scully getting it on! win!'

Also the blooper reel from Fight the Future has been released as well! Which isn't as funny as all of the other seasons, but is still worth watching.

Oh, oh, oh! AND there still is a possibility for THE X-FILES 3!! Purportedly if the sales of the DVD's of I Want to Believe are high, then we will be graced with a third movie, in which David Duchovny, Gillian Anderson and the rest of the crew have already agreed upon doing. Actually, the producer, Frank Spotnitz actually admitted that the release of the movie, a week after The Dark Knight, was wonky and that The X-Files got creamed, which I totally agree upon. BUT I do hope that they come out with a third movie, just because the X-Files mythos circled around the 2012 legend so much. It'll be an alien conspiracy movie, which is heartwarming.

The bad thing is, that Spotnitz has said that the continuation of the X-Files is only limited to movies, and not television or television movies. That's fine with me as long as they continue and finish the mythos somehow. The series left off on a sort of cliffhanger in pertinence to the mythos, Scully and Mulder are fugitives knowing that 2012 was going to be the initiation of the alien colonization. However, in I Want to Believe, no real inklings as to 2012 have been hinted at, which is acceptable for a Monster of the Week type film, but still.


Here's to The X-Files and unaired decades old footage!

Kitsunegari

OMFG GUYS. I'M GONNA EXPLODE. I AM GOING TO FUCKING A'SPLODE. I AM SERIOUSLY FREAKING OUT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT GILLIAN ANDERSON (Scully from the X-Files and like one of my favorite actress EVAR) WAS THE ONE WHO DID THE VOICE-OVER FOR "MORO" (wolf-goddess) IN LIKE THE BEST ANIMATED MOVIE OF ALL TIME - PRINCESS MONONOKE. LIKE HOLY FUCKING SHIT. SERIOUSLY.

... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

OMG!


OH YEAH AND THE X-FILES MOVIE CAME OUT TODAY SO ME AND CHRISTY WENT TO GO GET IT AND THEN WE WATCHED IT LIKE 364G59968271132H4830T5872UAB3Y399E06Q1258333 TIMES WHICH IS WEIRD BECUZ I DIDNT KNOW THAT '364G59968271132H4830T5872UAB3Y399E06Q1258333' WAZ EVEN A NUMBER.

Herrenvolk

It’s hard to overcome the skepticism that should surround any expansion for an MMO. Presumably any additional content should be more of the same, aiming to prolong the experience. But Wrath of the Lich King is different. Wrath of the Lich King has a theme and it follows it to a point, and that theme seems to have inspired Blizzard to create something amazing.

The original WoW content was rather tame. You were finding your place in the world, and the world was stable. The Alliance and the Horde were not at war. The idea was just to provide some neat fantasy surroundings. With Burning Crusade came a bit more instability; the Dark Portal was open again and it was apparent that Outland and its inhabitants had been ravaged. The demon-controlled Orcs had left scars and infuriated Draenei, the Blood Elves were subverting the land’s magic for their own addictions, and the world was being openly assaulted by the forces of evil.

But in Wrath of the Lich King the situation has escalated. All throughout the continent of Northrend is a feeling of threat and immediacy. You’re coming across people who have lost their homes and families, entire races that have been displaced and are deciding how to save themselves — whether they should run or fight. The dragons, ancient protectors of the land, are embroiled in a war of attrition — the blue dragonflight feels the only way to stop the abuse of magic and save the world is to destroy all magic-possessing life, while the red dragonflight fights to preserve all life on Azeroth. Arthas and his undead armies are seeping into the world and disturbing the natural order.

This content — quests, dungeons, writing — is above and beyond any previous content available in WoW. Northrend is such a tragic and hopeful place that it makes the ordeals of Outland and the old world seem rather juvenile.

The dense and detailed environments come together with the quests to paint a picture of a doomed land that has chosen to stand and fight, because it has no other choice. And as evidenced in the new Death Knight quests, even the ‘bad guys’ have an understandable agenda. In several books that you have the option to read, the Lich Kel’Thuzad explains that the Scourge is not so much evil as it is the acknowledgment of sinful nature. The Scourge — at least the... upper management… are fighting for a different way of life, a life of inevitable death and undeath, and strength in the immoral. They allow the living to believe they are pure evil because they are sure that they cannot win against their sinful nature.

If you had asked me about three years ago if WoW had a story worth listening to I would have said no. But with the advent of Wrath of the Lich King the tattered and brave world that I had gotten to know as a kid playing Warcraft II has finally exposed itself, and this new direction is wonderful. Blizzard didn’t pay me to say this, but… cheques or cash are fine.

Milagro

Thirty-Five Things I've Learned From X-Files Fanfiction

1. There is no situation or episode after which it is too improbable or even impossible for Mulder and Scully to have sex. Cancer, for example, is a good aphrodisiac, as is the death of a family member.
   
   

2. Mulder and Scully often have long, in-depth, open conversations about their feelings, though these always happen off-screen. These also, invariably, lead to sex.
   
   

3. What we see on screen only scratches the surface of how crazy Mulder actually is. It is amazing he can function at all on a day-to-day basis, much less still be an FBI agent, with how much insanity is lurking in his head.
   
   

4. Much of this insanity is related to Mulder's profiling ability, which isn't just spooky, it's darn near supernatural. Mulder often loses himself in the mind of a killer, and Only Scully Can Save Him from the Abyss (And Then They Have Sex, aka ATTHS).
   
   

5. Mulder and Scully suffer almost constantly from nightmares. These always require comfort from the other, which means sex.
   
   

6. Mulder and Scully are magnets for car crashes. It is a rare car trip that does not result in an accident, a hospital stay, recuperating at home – ATTHS, of course.
   
   

7. In fact, Mulder and Scully are constantly being shot, stabbed, or otherwise critically injured, even beyond what we saw in the show. Again, this results in time spent being cared for by the other, ATTHS.
   
   

8. Both M&S have numerous past lovers waiting in the wings to come back at the most inopportune moments. This will lead to fights between the two, angst, ATTHS.
   
   

9. It is possible that even at the end of the series, when Mulder and Scully have kissed passionately, talked about the child they had together, and end up holding each other on the same bed, that they still never had sex. (Though this goes against all the fanfic evidence stating that they were having sex every time they were off-screen for nine seasons.)
   
   

10. Any character could be in a sexual relationship with any other character – again, there is no such thing as this being too improbable or even impossible. (True for any fandom!)
    
    

11. No character that we saw die is actually permanently dead. (True for any fandom, and Chris Carter actually pretty much said this.)
    
    

12. Mulder and Scully spend long hours listening to songs and thinking about the ways in which they are true for their lives. (Can also lead to declarations of love ATTHS.)
    
    

13. Mulder is constantly wildly jealous of any man who so much as speaks to Scully, though this also mostly happens off-screen. The same is true for Scully, about Mulder – for example, the experience of Dr. Bambi Berenbaum wounded her deeply.
    
    

14. Quite apart from “Never Again”, both Mulder and Scully are prone to having one-night stands with random people just to make the other jealous, especially after feeling particularly taken for granted. As is only natural, this leads to a huge fight, apologies, ATTHS – not necessarily in that order.
    
    

15. The FBI holds frequent balls which all agents are required to attend. Scully secretly yearns for them, though she would never tell Mulder how much she dreams of dressing up for him and being on his arm. Mulder cherishes similar dreams, although he knows he can never be worthy of Scully. These often lead to declarations of love ATTHS.
    
    

16. Using the elevator to reach the basement office (or any elevator, for that matter) is dangerous, as it often breaks down, leaving our intrepid agents trapped inside. They can make the best of it, however – ATTHS.
    
    

17. Bill Scully is one of the most evil, unreasonable people on the planet. He is extraordinarily sexist and does not accept that his sister can be a good FBI agent and enjoy her job. He will never, ever accept Scully's feelings for Mulder (or vice versa), and it is a wonder Scully ever speaks to him.
    
    

18. Mulder was definitely married to Diana Fowley back in the day – the infamous wedding ring was certainly not just David Duchovny playing a trick/being a jerk to viewers. This leads to much angst from Scully when she finds out, which means Mulder must convince her how much of a mistake it was, ATTHS.
    
    

19. Both Mulder and Scully used to smoke, and pick up the habit again whenever they are over-stressed or experiencing relationship angst.
    
    

20. Besides the unbelievably excruciating amount of trauma we saw Scully go through on the show, she has also been kidnapped, abducted, mugged, molested, and raped countless times. This almost always leads to Mulder-comfort ATTHS, naturally.
    
    

21. If Mulder and/or Scully don't feel up to actually having long, honest, moving conversations with each other in which they finally spill all their pent-up feelings, one or both of them will write it all down in a letter or email. This affords them the opportunity to try to formulate it so it can be as flowery and lyrical as a Chris Carter voiceover. Though neither M nor S actually wants the other to find said document, they will, ATTHS.
    
    

22. Mulder and Scully often are forced by circumstances beyond their control to share a bed at the end of the day, or, in the case of having been in a plane crash/being otherwise lost in the wilderness, having to huddle together for warmth at night. Far, far more often than not, ATTHS – especially if they have been having an increasingly hard time denying their primitive urges for each other throughout the day.
    
    

23. Once Scully finally began to remember what happened to her when she was abducted, the only possible outcome was to start constantly having paralyzing flashbacks and go catatonic. Of course this happened off-screen, and Mulder had to comfort her, ATTHS.
    
    

24. During the three months Scully believed Mulder was dead after “This Is Not Happening”, she was either hovering on the brink of insanity/suicide, or learning to love Doggett or Skinner (or both). Even if Scully did not fall for either of them, one or both had fallen head over heels for her by this time, but they both knew It Can Never Be because of her undying love for Mulder, and it was very angsty.
    
    

    
    

25. Everyone who sees Mulder and Scully together instantly notices that they are incredibly close – in fact, that they have a special bond never before seen and that could never be seen again. This will be so obvious to the random outside observer that the person cannot comprehend how Mulder and Scully themselves do not see it.
    
    
    

26. Scully is constantly thinking about how beautiful Mulder's expressive leaf/dark/forest/verdant/emerald green/hazel eyes are. She also often thinks about his attractiveness in terms of the appropriateness of his namesake animal. Mulder, on the other hand, fixates on Scully's beautiful fiery/titian/strawberry red hair (despite the fact that he is red/green colorblind), and her sapphire/deep/startlingly/piercing/summer-sky/ocean blue eyes. He also is haunted by the alluring floral/fruit scent of her shampoo.
    
    

27. Mulder and Scully must either have met before the show began, or been at the same place at the same time without knowing it but felt a strange connection, or at very least their families were connected. This must be, because Their Love Transcends Time And Space.
    
    

28. Mulder and Scully learned quickly to call each other Fox and Dana, though this really only happens off-screen. It often accompanies declarations of love (ATTHS).
    
    

29. Mulder continually thinks about how small/delicate/fragile/tiny/dwarfed Scully seems to him, especially in comparison to his clumsy/lumbering/hulking figure alongside her. Despite this, they both also always remark to themselves how well they fit together – particularly, of course, when they are having sex.
    
    

30. Mulder always refers to his sister as Sam, although this only happens off-screen.
    
    

31. If Mulder and Scully have a child other than William (which definitely happened or will happen later), he or she will be named Sam.
    
    

32. Emily is really Mulder's biological daughter as well, as are any similarly-created children.
    
    

33. Mulder and Scully never have a home-cooked meal together, only takeout or pizza. If one of them tries to cook for the other, especially Mulder, disaster will result and hijinks will ensue.
    
    

34. The Lone Gunmen can do absolutely anything Mulder or Scully need them to do in order to further the plot. Money is never an object.
    
    

35. Christmas almost always reminds Scully of Emily and makes her depressed. Mulder, on the other hand, always forgets and doesn't understand until something forcefully reminds him, and then he feels horrible guilty about it. He tries to cheer her up, ATTHS. This all happens off-screen.

fin

Post-Modern Prometheus

So, Hallowe’en, or Samhain, was just a few nights ago. I didn't hand out candy, I didn't go trick-or-treating, I didn't go get wasted.
I guess I'm weird like that.
Instead, I played Halo 3 at Christy's. There's something strangely soothing about blowing shit up. Anyways, after three continuous hours of that, she and I headed into town so I could drop some stuff off at Plato's Closet. Money is great. We then hit Hot Topic in Ridgedale... me, to find any leftover X-Files memorabilia, and she wanted to find some more awesome Twilight swag. She won, but I was determined to spend my new money on something. We hit Border's Bookstore next, hoping to find any of the X-Files books, but to no avail.
Then she suggested Barnes and Noble.
I immediatly was drawn to the SciFi/Fantasy section, persistant in my search for the holy grail. Up one side, down to the other. Next isle. Passed a bunch of unknown displays.
"JENNA!" She squeaked at me. Actually squeaked. And now she was laughing.
"What?"
"Git your ass over here!" She was looking at a display I had passed. I thought, I swear to god, if it's another Twilight display...
But it wasn't.
It was my holy grail. And I had walked right by it.
I the proceded to squee.
For those of you that don't know, a 'squee' is the sound of a rabid fangirl, the noise that is made between a squeak and a squeal.
It was a huge display of all of the X-Files stories. All in perfect condition. All there, waiting for me to pick them. Choose them. Love them.
About a half an hour and four strange looks later, I had chosen my book. We decided to hit the multimedia section before we left.
See, I was curious to see if they actually had any of the four soundtracks. You see, there's the score for the first X-Files movie, the score for the second X-Files movie, the score for the TV show, and then the Album for the First movie.
I found three of them.
"Oh my god, Christy look! Look look look!" I squeaked, holding the CD's out in front of me.
"I have these two, but I don't actually have this one! Oh my god yaaaaaaaay!"
Christy began to slowly back away from me. "Ok, that's great. Let's go."
No way. "Nuh-uh. Let's see if they have any DVDs!"
I think at that point I heard her mutter, "Oh please god, no."
I didn't have any luck. I decided before we left that I would double check the CD's one last time.
"OH MY GOD CHRISTY GIT OVER HERE!"
"Oh shit. What?"
I found the other CD that I didn't have. Christy saw this and swore, backing away slowly and trying to act like she didn't know me.
"Oh my god this is soooo awesome!" I was holding the CD's and the book close to my heart, bouncing up and down like a crazy person. But let's admit, when it comes to the X-Files, I am.
"Ommigod ommigod ommigod this is so awesome!" I was squeaking at this point. I couldn't contain my glee.
"Jenna? You're the reason I hit my head against walls."
Christy then proceded to drag me to the register to pay, while the nice older lady smiled kindly at my glee, in a very non-patronizing way.
I don't remember ever being drug out of a store that fast in my life.

We listened to one of the CD's on the way home, both of us loving almost all of the songs. We decided to end Hallow's Eve by watching the X-Files, with no lights on, in my basement. I decided to watch ones that neither of us had ever seen. The first one was awesome - perfect for Halloween. It was the first time the X-Files actually had me mildly scared. And that had images with the potential to give me nightmares. The second one we watched was much more light-hearted, but no less awesome. By the time that the second episode had finished, it was midnight. We both decided against a sleepover and so I dropped her off.

Nothing like a bit of X-Files to make the perfect Halloween .

Teliko

So, I’m not sure if the world caught on to this or not, but I’m a HUGE fan of the X-Files. I watch it religiously, regardless of the fact that it's now in reruns... at 2am on SciFi. Like I said previously, there's something to be said for a show about aliens that ran successfully on mainstream television for 9 years. Needless to say, seeing the era of Mulder and Scully come to an end was sad, and there have been several occasions when I wished I could turn on the television every week and see a new episode.

But that doesn’t mean that I want to replace it. Or that I even could replace it.

When a friend of mine started watching Fringe a few weeks ago, one of the first remarks she made was how similar the show was to the X-Files. In conjunction with that comment, she suggested that I might like it.

There are things I like about the show, and things I don’t like about the show.

The similarities to the X-Files are pretty obvious, even from the first episode. I mean, the premise of the show is an FBI agent investigating paranormal activity. So… yeah. As many 'Philes have noticed, the opening is very similar to the way each X-Files episode opens: something really weird happens, and then you get the title sequence, which is definitely reminiscent of the X-Files title sequence. They cut to a commercial break, and then the agent spends the rest of the episode figuring out WTF is going on.

The second Fringe episode, aptly named “Same Old Story,” even seemed to take the main points of its plot directly from a fourth-season X-Files episode called “Teliko.” Both involved a man committing a series of murders and removing the victims’ pituitary glands, using the hormones to survive. I know many shows draw inspiration from other shows, and crossovers are certainly not unheard of, but stealing an entire plotline and hoping the X-Philes won’t notice wasn’t very bright.

I’m also not a fan of the whole floaty 3D letter thing they do with the locations. I find it distracting, and I think it just looks stupid, to be honest. I like it better when there’s subtle text at the bottom so it doesn’t overpower the scene.

What I do like about the story is that the dynamic between the three main characters seems strong, and I especially like The Observer as a supporting character (whom I’ve seen compared to the Cigarette Smoking Man on some other blogs, which I think is an interesting comparison). I’m interested to see what else happens with him. (A lot of other people are noting the physical similarities between The Observer and the Watchers from Marvel comics, which I can see. And the eating habits of The Observer are apparently a lot like those of the kids on Roswell, although I can’t vouch for that one, since I’ve never seen the show.)

I’m not giving up on Fringe just yet, but I do definitely think they’re going to have to work harder in the future if they want to separate the series as a unique entity from the other sci-fi shows out there.

And nothing will ever replace my favorite agents and their quest to uncover the Truth.

Ever.

EVER.

Je Souhaite

I was three years old when I woke up screaming in pain. I was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis in my right knee less then two days later. By the time I was eight years old, the Arthritis had spread to both of my knees, my ankles, fingers, wrists, elbows, lower spine, and left jaw. I go through pain during the day that many people my age can't even begin to understand.

I wasn't allowed to play sports when I was younger - the high-impact activities would damage my joints even further. I loved soccer and baseball when I was younger. My father and I used to play all the time at the bus stop with all the other neighborhood kids as we waited for the bus to pick us up.

I was forever alienated from my peers as I grew up. Because of the limitations of my joints, it was painful to sit on the floor during story time. I always sat on a chair, despite my dream of being normal.
Arthritis is caused by your body literally attacking itself, antibodies viewing your normal cells as hostile invaders. It is a strange pain that I can't even begin to describe.

I curse my body every morning as I struggle to just be able to get out of bed, to move, to be normal. Why my body decided to attack itself. There is no explanation as to why some bodies do this, and yet some don't. There is no cure.

We can only dream of an end the pain.

Ice

To that uber-sexy cold front that stopped by last night - Thank you so much for making my morning so memorable. I don't think there's any one part of your influence that I can specifically point out, every bit of you was that sexy. From getting into my Jeep and not being able to move because my ass was frozen to the seat, to you ruining some of the power lines to the traffic lights that made those poor Wright County Sheriffs direct traffic in 30 degree weather. It certainly sexy to wake up and be so cold that I couldn’t move.

Though we shall likely never meet again, I thank you, for I will never forget this day I spent with you.

From your frozen admirer - Jenna

Arcadia

I've found that, unfortunately for me and my parents, that TNT has decided to show "The X-Files" in the middle of the night when normal people should be sleeping. Now, it's not exactly a surprise for me to say that I'm not exactly normal, so I'll just throw that out there. I'm not exactly normal. But I am addicted to “The X-Files.” There's something to be said for a show about aliens that ran successfully on mainstream television for 9 years.

So here I am, half-doing my homework, but mostly watching "The X-Files". David Duchovny is a crazy kind of hot. I mean, seriously. God. And, oh holy fuck, he just took off his shirt.

Jesus Christ.

I can die happy now.


Oh god.


Anyways, shit. I'm going to fail out of college and I'm going to blame it entirely on Chris Carter.

Schizogeny

I learned many things about myself this week. Perhaps that's not entirely correct - perhaps I knew these things all along but never let the thoughts surface out of fear of my own being. Perhaps I was unwilling to identify them as my own feelings - wanting to brush them off as passing thoughts and muses, without question, without meaning.
But recent events have made them surface once again, and I am compelled to release it - to put my most secret words onto this void that is a "blog." I don't understand it. I don't know if I want to understand it. But type I will.

What I've discovered is that I never, ever, let anyone know the true me. Yes, many have come close - exceptionally close - but never will I show my true colors. Some just know me as that geeky girl who plays video games, some know me as the girl that doesn't speak. Some know me as the girl who can't seem to stop writing in a notebook. Some as that hyper chick who can't seem to shut up. Some know me as the wolf girl. Or as the swede. Or as the depressed girl who lost her best friend three years ago. Some know more than one side of me. But I fear that no one in this world will ever truly know me. Who I am, what makes me tick, what I like to do in my spare time. There are only five people in this world who have come close.
One is dead.
The second betrayed me and left me broken.
The third knows many, many sides of me- some sides I didn't even know I had, but has yet to know of my hidden pain.
The fourth knows of my pain, knows of my energy and sadness, and came incredibly close to knowing the full 'me' - which is amazing considering the time I knew her for. One year ago, I met her. We were inseparable for a month in my life that many cannot begin to understand. The month ended, and as she lives in Chicago, I have not seen her since. I miss her. We were sisters, her and I, sisters separated at birth, then randomly joined for the first time in their lives by a common ancestry.
The fifth knows of my pain, knows of my energy, knows of my geekiness. She has seen so many sides of me, many of which I didn't even want to see. But times change. People change. Does she still know me? Does anyone truly know me? And why won't I let them?
I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid.
If they know me, will they still want to be around me? Is it because I have such low self-esteem that I don't let anyone know me because, in my mind, no one could possibly want to be around someone like me?
I don't know anymore.
I simply don't know.