Schizogeny

I learned many things about myself this week. Perhaps that's not entirely correct - perhaps I knew these things all along but never let the thoughts surface out of fear of my own being. Perhaps I was unwilling to identify them as my own feelings - wanting to brush them off as passing thoughts and muses, without question, without meaning.
But recent events have made them surface once again, and I am compelled to release it - to put my most secret words onto this void that is a "blog." I don't understand it. I don't know if I want to understand it. But type I will.

What I've discovered is that I never, ever, let anyone know the true me. Yes, many have come close - exceptionally close - but never will I show my true colors. Some just know me as that geeky girl who plays video games, some know me as the girl that doesn't speak. Some know me as the girl who can't seem to stop writing in a notebook. Some as that hyper chick who can't seem to shut up. Some know me as the wolf girl. Or as the swede. Or as the depressed girl who lost her best friend three years ago. Some know more than one side of me. But I fear that no one in this world will ever truly know me. Who I am, what makes me tick, what I like to do in my spare time. There are only five people in this world who have come close.
One is dead.
The second betrayed me and left me broken.
The third knows many, many sides of me- some sides I didn't even know I had, but has yet to know of my hidden pain.
The fourth knows of my pain, knows of my energy and sadness, and came incredibly close to knowing the full 'me' - which is amazing considering the time I knew her for. One year ago, I met her. We were inseparable for a month in my life that many cannot begin to understand. The month ended, and as she lives in Chicago, I have not seen her since. I miss her. We were sisters, her and I, sisters separated at birth, then randomly joined for the first time in their lives by a common ancestry.
The fifth knows of my pain, knows of my energy, knows of my geekiness. She has seen so many sides of me, many of which I didn't even want to see. But times change. People change. Does she still know me? Does anyone truly know me? And why won't I let them?
I have come to the conclusion that I am afraid.
If they know me, will they still want to be around me? Is it because I have such low self-esteem that I don't let anyone know me because, in my mind, no one could possibly want to be around someone like me?
I don't know anymore.
I simply don't know.